We have come to the moment I have been dreading for months, the culmination of the latest of the dumb bets. A little back story on why Bina/Nick chose a comedy special as my punishment. I hate Amy Schumer. I think that it is an absolute mockery that she is even considered a comedian. Someone once put this special on in my room, and I got up walked out of my own room without saying anything because I was so livid. I tried my best to Jedi mind trick Bina into making me watch the Giants ruin the Patriots’ perfect season instead. Think about that. I was choosing to watch the Patriots lose to an Eli Manning led Giants team instead of watching this special. I have regularly described (along with most of Patriots fans) that game as the worst moments in my sports fandom. But now I would argue that me having to write this running diary is Tom Brady’s greatest failure in his career. Giants be damned, not delivering me from this evil is one of the biggest travesty in sports…So without further gilding the lily and with no more adieu, I present the worst hour of my content consuming life.
10:25 am – Well it’s happening guys… they are making me watch the shittiest comedian – Amy Schumer
10:26 am: This opening makes it seem like people actually like her… do people like her?
10:27 am: The leather special is probably… Waittt did she ask “What the fuck is up?” as her opener?
10:28 am: we are 1 minute in and she has cussed out the audience 3 times now.
10:29 am: If you know that you are going to regret this leather special… why are we doing this? Can we just not? Side note – I would never describe someone who sent nude pics out as brave…
10:32 am: At this point, I am thinking to myself “Why did nick get to watch an hour of football highlights, yet I have to listen to this lady talk about her pussy for an hour? Doesn’t seem fair…”
10:33 am: “My pussy smells like a small barnyard animal..” the exact moment comedy died.
10:35 am: She is going to murder someone who won’t go down on her? Honestly feels like she should be on some sort of list for that or something.. ANNDD we just switched to blow job jokes – shout out to Bina for predicting the future 2 minutes ago. Never a good sign when you can predict jokes from the couch
10:39 am: Good ole softball jokes, got the first genuine laughter out of Bina. Update on my level of self-hatred right now – we are sitting at a solid 7.5/10
10:42 am: Finally the credit we deserve as the male gender – we definitely work so much harder than women at having sex. Probably. We are now shifting the conversation to “Where should I cum?”. Really earth shattering stuff here – the pinnacle of comedic writing
10:45 am: We have arrived at our first accent!!! It’s a British accent to ask where we should cum. She is destroying international relations, one sex joke at a time.
10:47 am: Men always fall asleep after sex. Hilarious. We are definitely the worst of the genders
10:49 am: 24 minutes straight of sex jokes! This seems like some sort of record, can someone check the Guinness book to see if this qualifies?
10:51 am: It sounded like a good idea last night when we were drunk to do this early morning… But I should have known this wouldn’t help my hangover…
10:51 am: We have shifted away from sex jokes finally, and now on to violent diarrhea sound for a minute straight… annnd back to sex jokes. Does this count as breaking the streak she had going? Can we get a ruling on this? I was hoping that she would go for an hour straight. That would show some serious resolve
10:55 am: Bina update – he has gotten his calzone. The funniest thing that has happened in the past 30 minutes. Jesus… I have only been watching this for 30 minutes, can this please be over?
10:56 am: I feel like I am typing in circles here, but we are back to blow job jokes. 10-12 years is definitely wayyyy too long for a blow job, very funny bit here. AND we are back to the blackout story from 10 minutes ago. I am convinced she only wrote 2 jokes for an hour special
11:01 am: Wait… Is Amy Schumer dating Seth Rogen? Do I have to hate Seth Rogen now?
11:05 am: She is now shifting the talk to gun rights. This is the biggest twist since The Sixth Sense. I definitely did not see this show becoming political.
11:07 am: Either we are making up statistics, or I am learning terrifying facts about our country. “There are more gun stores than there are McDonalds and Starbucks combined, in America.” I don’t really have a point here, we are just learning here
11:10 am: I am not touching this too fat bit with a ten foot pole. We will just let this one go.
11:12 am: Checking in with the guy from Guinness, he assured me we are in range for most one-off anal jokes in an hour. Hoping we can get there
11:14 am: Why are we switching from anal jokes to showing pictures of her sister? This seems like weird familial bonding. I hope this special somehow gets destroyed before we meet aliens, because I don’t want anyone thinking this is how actual humans interact
11:16 am: If you chafe so much that you bleed between your thighs… why are we standing up here in a leather suit? This cannot be conducive to your anti-crotch bleeding cause.
11:17 am: Now we are making fun of paddleboards, and Nick is absolutely offended.
11:18 am: I was just told to shut the fuck up for not wanting to fuck Bradley Cooper. None of my “holes are wet” when I think about him, but I guess I might be wrong here.
11:19 am: By my calculations… We only have about 5 minutes left in this, and we have done it! The record is broken. Truly a beautiful day.
11:20 am: Our third roommate has walked in and sparked conversation. This is the best! I don’t have to listen to the final 3 minutes of this special and it’s phenomenal. The best thing… shit he left and I can hear again.
11:22 am: What a trial this has been. They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger… but I just feel sad and alone.
Final thoughts – Shame on Denver for allowing this trash to be filmed in their city. This was a very hard experience to write about this and also not sound sexist here, so in the worst case scenario that I come across that way, there are three things I am definitely sure about. 1) Women can be funny. 2) This woman is not funny. 3) Fuck the Eagles.
Written by Brady Culbreth